“Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life”. So said Sophocles. Someone gave me this quote not so long ago and it holds very true for me. I have written before about this, how my son saved my life in many ways. It is an important quote for me at the moment as I am pregnant again. As little as ten years ago, women with Bipolar Disorder were advised (read told) not to have children. There was no management plan for the condition and it was thought best just to avoid the hormonal and emotional rollercoaster that is pregnancy and motherhood.
Officially this has now changed, there are NICE guidelines on the treatment and management of Bipolar that include a section on pregnancy, post-natal and breastfeeding. But it isn’t as simple as that. There are still a few people that are not convinced that people with mental illness should have children. I know from personal experience this time round that many people, both in my medical team and personal life, feel that I should simply have accepted that I shouldn’t do it, instead of helping me plan to keep me as well as possible.
As it is I am finding it hard going. I am unmedicated and suffering from pregnancy related insomnia and sleep has always been a major trigger for me. I am still awaiting referral to a midwife that specialises in mental health. I am still waiting for the talking therapies I was referred to in August. I am due to see a consultant, but not sure what they will do except advise I give birth in a consultant led unit (I will not).
But as always it is hard for me to separate what is my Bipolar and what is ‘normal’ stress and tiredness. After all I am a full time teacher, Head of Department, pregnant already with a toddler. All those things are fairly exhausting on their own. I have a very good game face, I am good at convincing the world that I am ok. The problem with admitting you aren’t is that it escalates and others start treating you like you are in crisis. I’m not in crisis. I just need a little bit more sleep, a little bit more time, less stress and for people to listen to how I really am and offer me solutions rather than a knowing nod that says “well you would go and get pregnant”
