To have or to be

The subtleties of the English language are a personal interest of mine, but the meaning of words and phrases holds particular importance in reference to my illness.  Do I have Bipolar Disorder or am I Bipolar?   This is not unique to mental health problems (are you diabetic or suffering from diabetes for example), but it seems more important in how I define myself and control this illness that sometimes controls me. 

Personally I always say that I have Bipolar Disorder.  I like to feel it makes me more in control. It is something that I have, that affects me, but is external in some sense to who I am as a person.  If I am Bipolar, then it defines me, it becomes part of my personality and character.  This isn’t a condition that will need a few pills, some treatment and then be cured or remissioned.  It is a condition that will be with me for life, that will need managing and controlling

This definition helps me to separate some of my symptoms and examine my behaviour as well.  It is too easy to assign everything to my condition; am I angry because of my Bipolar or crying because of my Bipolar.  But is I have Bipolar I am able to consider- is it?  Or am I just sad or angry, or happy (you would be amazed at the amount of time I spend considering whether my emotional response is normal!).   Actually the happiness is the hardest one to judge- what counts as too happy?  When does positivity turn to mania? If I am Bipolar, then all my emotions become tied up in that diagnosis. 

My diagnosis was a double edged sword of understanding and condemnation, but the way I define my condition helps me to control the way it defines me.   

Every day at a time...

There has been a lot written and discussed about suicide recently, after the tragic death of Gary Speed.  It brought back some memories for me 

Three years ago, in December, I wanted to kill myself and I tried.  A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant with my son and my world changed and that discovery saved my life.  Over the next eight months I had a reason to get up, to eat well, I got better.  Those thoughts still came, and still do every so often, but I realise now that they are transient and controllable.

It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there, what it feels like to become so low, so distraught that you long to end your life.  Except it isn't really that you want your life to end, but that you want this life, to end.  The pain, the suffocating feelings, the numbness.

In rehab, alcoholics are often told not to think about giving up booze forever, that is too intangible, focus on not having a drink today.  There have been periods of my life when I have made a conscious decision to stay alive today, just today and then see what happens.  These feelings pass and the time between them becomes longer.

Suicide and mental health is often closer to us than we think.  I am not unusual in my thoughts, not everyone has them, but many people do (the ever quoted 1 in 4 of us that will suffer from mental health problems).  These thoughts can be fleeting and temporary, but they can feel isolating and suffocating.  And they can lead to tragedy.  If more people talk about it, maybe it will change.