Within writing about mental health there is a lot about symptoms, feelings and experiences when a person is ill. What it feels like to be depressed, to live with mania or stress. There is less discussed about the consequences of these periods of time on the rest of your life. I mean the long term consequences of periods of mania and depression, that leave scars in your everyday life long after you are well and healthy again.
There is a legacy of emotions from both these periods that can impact on your work and relationships. Depression and mania can mean long periods of time off work, leading to absence reports and constant monitoring of your attendance. In turn this may lead to judgements on your ability to do your job, or a nervousness amongst employers over "what if" you were to be ill again. This inevitably has effected my choices in terms of work and I am fairly certain influences my employers judgements of me. I can never shake off the periods of absence, no matter how much my attendance improves when I am well.
But for me the greatest consequences are personal and financial. These are the things that hang over me, that continue to influence my life long after any period of illness. During one now diagnosed manic phase I ran up close to £20,000 in debt over about one to two months. I have very little to show for this, except four years of a debt management plan, a destroyed credit rating and very little confidence in my ability to ever get credit again. This financial legacy has had lasting consequences for me (and my husband) in the seven plus years since it happened. Our mortgage is high and not particularly favourable; the years spent paying off the debt were lean and stressful; our honeymoon was four days in the UK and a family holiday seems years away. It meant only six months maternity leave with my son, and will mean the same this time round as we have never really recovered enough to save and invest like other thirty somethings. It means I cannot go part time to spend time bringing up my children, or even consider a lower paid job.
In personal terms, no matter how much people try to understand your condition, depression and mania can destroy and damage relationships. High spending, alcohol and drug misuse and sexual promiscuity are common in mania and not conducive to maintaining relationships. I have burnt many bridges in my time through my behaviour and often still feel shamed at the things I did. Depression is draining for all involved and often leaves lasting resentment for partners and family. The unpredictability of living with someone with mental health issues, such as Bipolar must be exhausting at times and inevitably has an impact on how that person is viewed. I have talked before of separating the illness from the person, but when the illness creates personality changes it is hard to do.
I am eternally grateful for the support and love that my husband and family give me when I am ill, but more than that I am in awe of their ability to live with the long term consequences of my behaviours and forgive my discrepancies.
