Today (30th March) is Bipolar awareness day. There is an abundance of awareness days and months, for all sorts of conditions and diseases. In mental health I think it can only be a good thing, to raise awareness, get people talking, reduce stigma. In an effort to move away from simple social media sharing as awareness, this year mental health charities have asked people with Bipolar (and hopefully other mental illnesses on those relevant days) to share what it is actually like living with the illness. So here is my account of life with Bipolar.
Definitions and descriptions of Bipolar focus firstly and mainly on the mood changes, the highs and lows and how these can be characterised. In reality that is such a small part of the illness in actual terms. What I mean is that those events over shadow everything in a kind of 'what if' way. I live day to day doing my upmost to avoid those extremes, even though the actual amount of time I have lived with those types of extreme are short when compared to 'inbetweens'. That's not to reduce the impact of those periods, they are terrifying and life changing, but it is the fear of them, rather than them themselves that overshadows daily life.
Bipolar Disorder is with me everyday, every decision I make- big and small. In the mundane it is the importance of me keeping routine in my life, regular sleeping and eating patterns. Spontaneity and wellness do not go together with this mental illness. Sometimes it drives me crazy, I've never been one for schedules, other times I accept it as a mild annoyance as a price for staying well.
It's there every morning and evening when taking medication, when I forget because I'm rushing, and suffer the side effects. I have a love/hate relationship with my medication. I know it keeps me well, but I don't enjoy the necessity of it, nor the side effects. The small side effects that seem inconsequential to being well, but over time irritate so much as yet another consequence of this damned illness. Sometimes I am exasperated by the unfairness of having bipolar disorder and having to deal with excessive sweating, night terrors, heartburn, gut problems and weight issues caused by medication.
Occasionally there are the big regrets, the realisation that your life has probably take a very different route because of Bipolar Disorder. When I started teaching in 2004, I had excelled in my teacher training and was selected as a Fast Track teacher. I never really succeeded due to periods of illness and ultimately because I couldn't work the way teaching needed me to- bursts of high intensity, long hours and then periods of complete rest. I was good at teaching, I enjoyed it. But I couldn't sustain it. Many people with Bipolar have similar stories of some success in their career, until illness brings them out or down in their career goals. I'm very lucky that I can maintain work, many people can't. However I can't reach to a higher level in any job or career without the pressure defeating me. It doesn't matter most of the time, but occasionally I get a feeling that I could have been really successful if it wasn’t for the bipolar weight around my ankle dragging me down.
Relationships can be strained when a person suffers from a mental illness. I know my illness has impacted all my relationships, with my husband, my children, friends and colleagues. I know I've lost friends as a result, I know my marriage has been seriously tested from it, time will only tell what effect t it might have had on my children.
I didn't always want this blog to be a purely negative account of life with Bipolar, but I do need it to be honest. I'd exchange it in a second if I could. For me the awareness that needs to be shared this Bipolar day is the everyday drudgery and difficulty that is living with this illness. The highs and the lows are what defines it psychologically, but the everyday impact is the draining reality of the illness for me.
