The subtleties of the English language are a personal interest of mine, but the meaning of words and phrases holds particular importance in reference to my illness. Do I have Bipolar Disorder or am I Bipolar? This is not unique to mental health problems (are you diabetic or suffering from diabetes for example), but it seems more important in how I define myself and control this illness that sometimes controls me.
Personally I always say that I have Bipolar Disorder. I like to feel it makes me more in control. It is something that I have, that affects me, but is external in some sense to who I am as a person. If I am Bipolar, then it defines me, it becomes part of my personality and character. This isn’t a condition that will need a few pills, some treatment and then be cured or remissioned. It is a condition that will be with me for life, that will need managing and controlling
This definition helps me to separate some of my symptoms and examine my behaviour as well. It is too easy to assign everything to my condition; am I angry because of my Bipolar or crying because of my Bipolar. But is I have Bipolar I am able to consider- is it? Or am I just sad or angry, or happy (you would be amazed at the amount of time I spend considering whether my emotional response is normal!). Actually the happiness is the hardest one to judge- what counts as too happy? When does positivity turn to mania? If I am Bipolar, then all my emotions become tied up in that diagnosis.
My diagnosis was a double edged sword of understanding and condemnation, but the way I define my condition helps me to control the way it defines me.
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